I Will Not Surrender
by Fearless.Stargazer
Summary: Remus is constantly fighting his demons. The Wolf side of him is always trying to take control, but Remus refuses to surrender. Song fic to AVA's Surrender from the new LOVE album. RL


**SONG: Angels and Airwave's SURRENDER from their newest album LOVE. Disclaimer: I do not own the Maruader/HP world or the AVA song SURRENDER. **

**Summary: Remus has to fight his inner demon-the werewolf part of his mind. **

* * *

Remus stood, staring out the window at the grounds below. From his hospital bed, he could see out of a small corner. He saw the almost-full moon hanging in the ink black sky and shivered. It had been a hard transformation.

His body was still shaking. It had been a full twenty four hours and he was still as weak as he had been when Madame Pomfry had brought him back from the Shrieking Shack the previous morning.

His muscles were pulled and taut from being stretched to fit the body of the wolf. His tiny, battered body was covered in rips and tares. HE had a sling about his left arm and a thick bandage around his head and left leg.

His head flew up, he heard a creak and sensed his friends were entering the room under James's invisibility cloak.

"How're you doing, Rem?" He heard James whisper.

"You're getting better, I can tell." Peter muttered under his breath.

_There is a crowd in here, that fooled themselves;_

_they brought their friends, and they made their Hell._

_They fake their grin, in a lonely cell.  
To the bitter end,  
But what do I know?_

Remus looked around at his friends, horrified. How could they feel safe around him-knowing what he was! They were foolish to trust him. He was a werewolf. And werewolves served no purpose in society. They only did one thing-and that was kill. They were going to suffer somehow…something bad always happened when Remus least expected it. HE was sure that his friends had made their Hell by becoming animagi. They were going to get hurt…or even die.

_There are a few in here, that hurt themselves;  
They kick, and been in a dried-up well.  
They call for help, and you know them well.  
Are you aware?  
But what do I know?_

Remus could hear the screaming from the past night still reverberating in his mind. Moony was angry. Always angry. Always tearing with his claws against Remus's mind. Remus recalled brief moments of kicking, scratching, bleeding, screaming… But never a whole night. HE only had snippets. He remembered fully the hour leading up to the full moon-his cries for help that no one could ever answer. His death wishes and screams.

_I, I will not surrender  
No I, I will not surrender  
No I, I will not surrender  
No I, I will not surrender_

Remus took a deep breath, pushing his demons and troubled thoughts away. He focused souly on the chocolate bar in front of him, taking one bite at a time.

"Don't give up, Rem." Sirius whispered so that only Remus could hear. Peter and James quarreled loudly over a chocolate frog. "You can't surrender to Moony. You're stronger than he is."

_When God falls fast asleep  
The kids still dance in city streets  
From the white house lawn to the middle east  
And all around I'm just saying that this time I feel it now_

_When God falls fast asleep_  
_The kids still move to a steady beat_  
_Even if its bombs landing at their feet_  
_Or all around I'm just saying that this time I feel it now_

_There is a place to hide,_  
_It's in our minds,_  
_It's in the dark_  
_It's well known that we have a fragile heart_  
_Its deep inside_  
_It has a sound that you can follow_

Moony was crawling, prowling through the back of Remus's mind. Remus tried to shut him out, to throw him in the dark-but it was nearly impossible. He felt himself fading out and into oblivion as he fought with the wolf for control.

_You feel like you hit a wall_  
_But you survive_  
_And it was hard for you to swallow_  
_I've been to that place before_  
_In spite of luck_  
_When you awake, a new tomorrow_

"You'll feel better tomorrow morning, Remie. And then we can all sneak to Hogsmeade for a nice Butterbeer in celebration of your awesomeness!" James proclaimed loudly. Remus tried to grin, but could only manage a wince through the pain.

"I feel like I've hit a wall…" Remus rubbed his head sourly, trying to check for bruises.

"That's because you did." Sirius said gently, pointing to a particularly large patch of purple skin on Remus's forearm.

"Oh…I thought he was being metaphorical…" James grinned.

"Oh shut up you git!" Remus threw a squashy pillow at James's head, missing him by a whole foot. His arm was shaking with exhaustion. He was starting to black out again. _Fight it! Fight it Remus! Pull yourself together!_

The wolf was howling in the back of his head.

_I, I will not surrender_  
_No I, I will not surrender_  
_No I, I will not surrender_  
_No I, I will not surrender_

Remus held his breath and counted to ten, trying to calm his exhausted body down. He closed his eyes.

_1…2…..3….4…_

"Rem, why are you holding your breath?" Peter asked curiously. "Are you trying to suffocate yourself?"

"Ah leave him be, Pete, I think he's trying to meditate." Remus could picture James's goofy grin in his mind's eye.

"Guys shut up." Sirius said sharply, quieting the bickering boys.

_5…..6…7….8…9…10._

A wave of calm finally washed over Remus. Sometimes it only took a few seconds to relax. He sometimes needed to just clear his mind and forget all of the horrible things in the world for a few moments.

He could feel the wolf slowly slinking back into hibernation in the back of his mind. It settled down, nearly as tired as Remus was, to prepare for the next month.

Remus sighed with relief and opened his eyes. "Why don't we just sneak to Hogsmeade now!" He said, enthusiastically.

The Marauders's jaws dropped.

"Moony…your still…you know…_indisposed._" James ran his hands through his messy hair.

"Yeah…but I can't not live my life because of this…I have to keep everything steady so lycanthropy won't rule my life. Besides, you lot can carry me through the passage way. And no one does concealment charms better than I do."

"God, Rem, you really are a fighter, aren't you?" Sirius smiled. "James, get your cloak, it's gonna be a long day."

Remus smiled. He refused to let the wolf hold him back, even if he knew bed rest _was_ the right thing. But he was totally and completely himself in that moment of Marauding. There was no wolf that could keep him from being who he was. He knew it. He could feel it.

_When God falls fast asleep_  
_The kids still move to a steady beat_  
_Even if its bombs landing at their feet_  
_Are all around_  
_I'm just saying that this time I feel it now_

_I feel it now_  
_This time I feel it now_  
_I feel it now_  
_This time I feel it now_


End file.
